Party of One
Over Christmas break, while I was sitting on the kitchen floor laughing at a moth meme on my phone until I teared up, my mother informed me that I was “a party all by myself.”
And, frankly, I sort of am.
Self-reliance is a skill I never thought I would need growing up. I was always sure I would have a flock of friends around me at all times with shoulders to cry on and trashy playlists full of 2008 Ke$ha to dance to. Friends to remember my order at Starbucks and my comfort movies and that I find pretzel M&M’s far superior to anything else available at 7-Eleven.
Unfortunately, that’s not the way it always goes. Life goes on and some days will be long and lonely and you will be the one responsible for providing the trashy playlists.
And, as we all continue confidently and hopefully along in the new year, I have been thinking a lot about how I spent the last one. And the truth is that I spent a good chunk of it alone.
I’ve learned that thought scares many people—being alone. It scared me too a year ago. But, over time, I found that being alone isn’t all that bad, and it’s something some people need to be better at.
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Over the past year, I had to learn how to rely on myself. Sure, for food and water and clean clothes. If I was going to eat dinner, I had to be the one to get it, if I was going to wear clothes outside, I was the one who was going to wash them.
Those things are just part of being an adult.
But I also had to rely on myself for laughter and entertainment and conversation and pretzel M&M’s.
It was lonely at first. I spent a long time wishing for people I’d since outgrown or long-distance friends to just get back here already. Sometimes, yet another evening of watching TV in bed or at my desk or in the common area down the hall just felt too sad.
But, I did learn how not to feel awkward walking into a classroom where I didn’t know anybody. I learned how to square my shoulders and genuinely not care what people thought of me as I walked by. I learned how to give the evil-eye to men who yelled at me on the street. I got tough. I found confidence in myself that I never knew I possessed.
I learned who the best comedians on Netflix were (John Mulaney, Jen Kirkman, Tom Segura, Iliza Shlesinger), I learned how to zoom in on an Instagram video, I taught myself how to twerk, and I found out that one-person dance parties are way more fun because there’s no one there to tell you that you have no rhythm and dance like a dad at a barbecue.
Not having anyone to sit with in class or go with to the movies or hang out with on the weekends forced me to become comfortable with myself. It made the times I was around people much easier to handle; as a person who used to have a bad case of social anxiety, that’s a big deal for me. It turns out that when you have no one nearby to rely on for comfort in social situations, you learn to rely on yourself, so even when I was alone I still had me.
I became my own best friend, which shouldn’t you be? You’re the one who’s going to have to put up with you for the rest of your life. Y’all better get used to each other.
Don’t be fearful of time alone. Embrace it. Know how to be alone. Learn all the parts of Bohemian Rhapsody and sing all of them at the same time at top volume; I’m sure you sound great.
As someone with no friends, I now take great pride in the fact that I can make myself laugh so hard and so frequently. It can get lonely sometimes, so learn how to make yourself cry with laughter when no one else will. Be your own party.
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